“Life is like a box of chocolates.” How true this quote is – as much as we can be organised and have plans for our lives, you are pretty much guaranteed that they won’t go the way you want them 100% of the time. There will be hiccups, bumps and whacking great big craters in your way that you have to navigate your way round to get you back on track – and even then it may not be the track you started on. If this is the case, I believe it’s still the track you were always destined to be on. I must admit, I’m not a big believer in a higher power but I do think that we have our lives mapped out somehow and that we will always get to the place we should be, battle scars and all!
I feel like I am trying to haul myself out of a crater at the moment and I know for certain that when I reach the top, the outlook will be very different to what is was before I fell in!
I’ve had to make tough decisions over the last few weeks about what happens next. My brain fog has been noticeably more clouded recently , so thinking about making decisions has made me more confused than it would normally and I’ve therefore had to rely on other people’s advice rather than coming to my own conclusions.
As much as physically possible, I want to get back to Dubai and finish what I started. I feel like I have failed and this whole episode has massively knocked my confidence. This is hard for me because out of anything in my life, I love my job and I know I am good at it so to find myself worrying about getting back in front of a class again, dealing with paperwork, meetings etc is just so alien. It’s all so overwhelming and I honestly worry that I won’t be able to cope or do my job as well as I used to. However, that is my short term plan, get back to Dubai even if it’s to work for a month, at least I can say I did it and that thought is what’s motivating me at the minute.
I have listened to my doctor, friends and family though and I know that as of September, I need to find a job closer to home because my new path might be a bit trickier than anticipated so I need to be near my support system – lucky them! As someone kindly said in response to my last blog, there should be no guilt in leaning on your nearest and dearest for support, no matter what you’re going through, big or small. That’s what friends and family are for and anyway, they are using this time to store up credit for when they need you!
This decision probably sounds like an easy one to most people. I’ve been and still am really ill so choosing to live and work nearer to home for the foreseeable future from September should be the easiest option but it really isn’t. I have loved my Dubai adventure: I’ve learnt so much about myself and have had some of the most amazing opportunities put in my way that I feel by losing this third year, I’ve missed out on so much. I haven’t done everything I’d planned to do and achieve. Dubai was never EVER on my radar until mum and dad suggested it after seeing an advert a few years back. After the whole jury service/panic attack debacle, I lost several years of my life until I eventually had the courage to move out and get my own flat. Mum and dad had always known I wanted to travel but that was just impossible with all the ‘issues’ I had as a result of the court experience. However, I think they sensed after a few years of gaining my confidence, that I was ready for a new challenge and adventure and although we don’t always want to admit that our parents are right, they really were in this case.
I’d never even been to Dubai on holiday and within the space of three weeks I’d applied, had an interview in London and been offered a job. Three months later I was on a plane – this was so not me, throwing caution to the wind and really, in a way, being selfish for the first time and doing something that I needed to do for myself to prove that I could live my life and be independent. Don’t get me wrong, I was utterly terrified. I was leaving a school and colleagues who I respected and loved, friends and family who were the best a girl could wish for, leaving my flat unrented as the planned tenants had fallen through – I must have been bonkers but you know what? I needn’t have worried.
I think crossroads are put in our path to make us re evaluate our lives and test us. I honestly do believe that what is meant for us won’t pass us by. There is not one thing I regret about moving to Dubai and it will always hold such a special place in my heart. I will go back for holidays and talk about my adventures for years to come. For now however, it is obviously not where I need to be so I have to move onto my next chocolate but I’m not sure what it is, there’s no booklet in the box to explain what the filling is!
Everything seems so overwhelming at the moment; the thought of applying for jobs and going for interviews exhausts me. I’m just not ready yet. There are so many questions and concerns in my head and that just means that at the moment I have literally no idea what comes next. I know it will become clearer as I get stronger but that doesn’t help me now and as much as I tell myself to stop worrying, I can’t help it! As a friend said to me this week, I need to take small steps, accept help and eventually I’ll be able to move on to the bigger things without even thinking about it. I know she’s right, but for someone who always has a plan and is relatively in control, this is a hard concept to grasp. This is not how I planned to be approaching my 30th year!
However, as always I have been looking for the sunshine this week and this week there have been much prolonged periods which can’t be said for the actual weather this week!
One of the main things was finding out that Jane is going to run a half marathon for Alopecia UK to help me raise some more awareness. I am posting the link below so any sponsorship you can afford would be greatly appreciated by Jane, myself and Alopecia UK.
The other bonus was that Dad and I managed to finally bake something edible (our croquembouche and gingerbread houses were both inedible!) and were very proud of ourselves! I also managed to have a photo taken too – high five me!
My final big achievement of the week was booking and going for not one but two acupuncture sessions! Jury’s still out but I will write more about it next time when I have decided how I feel about it!
So, in Jerry Springer style my final thought for this blog: for everyone who is facing difficult decisions at the moment or are in a place in their lives they never saw coming, remember that there is always someone else in the boat with you. Keep looking for sunshine no matter how small and eventually I’m sure our roads will become smoother. Take leaps of faith and do things that you wouldn’t normally do, enjoy as much of every day as you possibly. If all else fails, try laughing yoga as seen on TV last week in ‘The Real Marigold Hotel,’ if you don’t laugh at that then I honestly don’t know what to suggest!