Several weeks have passed since I wrote the post I am about to publish. I still think it’s an important blog to share. Sometimes I doubt how much I choose to share about my life living with a chronic illness/alopecia but I always come back to the same thing; awareness. People need to be made aware of how these illnesses affect lives. So, here’s a post I wrote a while back but didn’t finish or post because things took a downward spiral for a while…
This week it is carers week. A week to recognise, appreciate and thank those people in our lives who regularly look after a child, the sick, elderly or disabled to help them manage daily life.
I am pretty sure my parents wouldn’t consider themselves as my carers but, the reality is, they are.
Life before M.E saw me living a very independent life. I lived alone, cooked all my meals, cleaned my home, did my washing, food shop, held down a full time job, managed my own finances, organised social events, went on trips, looked after my health. The reality is, I haven’t been able to do this for the last 3.5 years and continue to need their support and care.
For example, this week mum and dad have gone on a mini break to Prague, a trip they needed and deserved. Now, I have coped. But without it being specifically talked about, we put plans into place to ensure I coped; my brother came to put the rubbish out on bin night, pre prepped meals had been frozen so all I had to do was pop them in the oven. I had friends on stand by incase I needed anything. I didn’t plan many activities. I can cope for a few days but what I notice is this. Taking on a few extra jobs like closing and opening the all the curtains in the house, stacking and emptying the dishwasher leave my arms aching and noticeably increase my fatigue.
And then there was yesterday. I went to Wembley to see The Spice Girls. I had not had the best lead up to it. With being here on my own and trying to keep up with wedding bits and volunteering, I totally mis paced myself. I have these times where I ignore my body because I hate it. Why can’t I just do normal things and react in a normal way? Maybe just once, if I ignore it, it will trick my body into thinking it can cope. I don’t regret going because I will have those memories for years to come but my goodness have I paid for it. This is the hidden side. The parts people don’t see. I had a bath at 12.30am when I got home because my legs were ceasing up and my muscles were twitching and cramping. I didn’t sleep because of the pain, not one minute until I eventually fell asleep at around 7am for a few hours. In those few hours I woke several times with my calves cramping badly. And then, in the days to follow, clumps of hair started to fall out. My body has a way of always informing me that I’ve pushed my boundaries too far. However, now that I am out of those moments and I am a little more level headed, I know I survived them on my own and I need to remind myself of that. My parents need to know that too.
My parents, my carers, need to know that as overwhelmingly hard these past few days and nights have been, I survived them. Sometimes, we need to live through these moments to realise our own strength. There is nothing anyone could have done to help me through it. I needed time, space, peace and quiet, darkness, my bath, bed and painkillers. Whether they had been here or not, those elements wouldn’t have been any different. Ok, so I didn’t eat a proper meal because I couldn’t stand long enough to make one, but I ate. I couldn’t complete the jobs I had in mind to do before they got home but the house didn’t fall down. I had to cancel a friend popping in to see me, but they understood.
This illness doesn’t just impact the person who has the diagnosis. My parents are my rocks and they are and have been my carers. As much as my illness is hidden, the care they provide is hidden to many too. What got me through the last few days has been this. I had the most glorious normal night out seeing one of my favourite bands with one of my best friends. But also, that my parents were on holiday and doing what they should be doing with their retirement. That made me so happy and comforted. But also, regardless of pay backs from doing things, ~I’ve lived with this illness for so long now, that I know these flare ups don’t last forever and pass.
I always worry about writing these blog posts because I don’t want my parents to feel guilt or worry about leaving me. But as always, I feel it’s important to write these posts because it shows this illness in all its glory. The moral of the story is, this too shall pass. And when it does pass, I might remember the pay back but more importantly I will look at the photos from the night out and remember the feeling of freedom and pure joy of that night out.
My parents, my carers have been the ones have have got me to this point along with my friends – who become my carers when I am with them, and my CBT therapist. Where the medical profession failed me, these people held me up. They cared for me, they continue to care for me and support me to enable me to move forward, no matter how slowly that may be. They know that the joy of my hair growing is a totally separate entity to my M.E. They support me at the same time as pushing me forward. They are the people that if I were to call them at 3am asking for help, would turn up in their PJs and do whatever it is I needed in that moment. However, I am a stubborn pain in the backside sometimes and I know at times that is to my own detriment BUT I need to see how I cope on my own in order to know what I can cope with now that I couldn’t a few months or years ago. I know it isn’t okay to suffer alone and 99% of the time I don’t. I see this week as a challenge that I have survived. It’s not something I’d wish to repeat frequently because clearly it’s nice to have someone around to just give you a hug when it’s all too much but it’s also not often I dance the night away and do a long trek to and from Wembley – once in 3.5 years to be precise – but ultimately, I survived it and I’ve learnt from it. I’ve had my woe is me, cry into my pillow moment and now I move on. Forward is the only way I am programmed to move.
So, thank you mum and dad. My constant carers. I appreciate you and I am so glad you weren’t here to help me and that instead you are in 31 degree heat applying blister plasters and making your own memories. You are the best of the best, the creme de la creme and I love you.
Where would I be without you? Happy carers week.