Tasty Thursday – apple turnovers

Dad and I were inspired by Bake Off last week and decided to have a go at making some apple turnovers/apple puffs. We did cheat a little by buying some pre made puff pastry but…it’s easier and if you can, why wouldn’t you?!

You will need: (makes 8)

  • 500g puff pastry – we used Jus Roll
  • 5 large Bramley apples
  • 85g caster sugar
  • granulated sugar for sprinkling
  • juice of half a lemon
  • 1 pinch cinnamon
  • 1 pinch nutmeg
  • 1 tablespoon milk

Method:

  1. Preheat your oven to 190 or Gas mark 5 and grease two baking trays.
  2. On a floured surface or pastry board, roll out your pastry to 5mm thickness and cut into 15cm squares and place onto baking paper.
  3. Peel, core and finely chop your apples and add into a saucepan over a medium heat along with half your caster sugar and all the cinnamon and nutmeg.
  4. Cook for 10-12 minutes until the apples begin to soften.
  5. Remove from heat and mash and add in the remaining sugar.
  6. Pop back onto the heat, bring to the boil and stir for 5-8 minutes until space thickens.
  7. Divide the mixture evenly on one half of  the squares, leaving a gap around the edge for folding. We found we did have some apple left over.
  8. Fold the pastry over the create a triangular pouch and seal the edges using a fork.
  9. Score a small steam hole on the top of each, brush with milk and sprinkle some granulated sugar on top.
  10. Place onto baking trays. We found this bit tricky as the pastry was now soggy so we kept them on their baking paper rather than trying to move them!
  11. Place in the oven for around 25-30 minutes until the pastry is golden brown.
  12. Serve hot or cold.

 

 

We found it relatively easy to do although there was some leakage but they tasted really good! Let me know or send photos if you have a go!

 

Hope you’re all enjoying the sunshine!

#hairlesshannah

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What would you do if you were cured tomorrow?

Recently I replied to a tweet from @TomKindlon who posed the question: “What would you do if you were cured tomorrow?”

I answered quite quickly with the things that immediately sprung to mind, but I must admit, that question lingered with me and the more I’ve thought about it, the more things I’ve added to that list. It’s a hard one to contemplate because in reality, I am not going to wake up tomorrow cured. I am still ill, it is still on going, there is still no cure and the road ahead is still a long, frustrating, upsetting one. However, as with a good book or film, escapism from reality can be a release and I found it nice to dream for a while. So I thought I’d share with you my imagined “day in the life” if I woke up cured. (I’m also assuming that covers alopecia too and I’d have glorious locks again!)

I’d wake up in my own house/flat that I own because I can work full time again. I have a long shower where I’d use a hot oil treatment in my hair and luxuriate in shampoos and conditioners and revel in the fact I wouldn’t need a rest after my shower or at any point in my day until the evening! I’d style my hair, carefully apply make up, look at myself in the mirror and think, yes, today is a good day! I’d be able to choose a decent outfit because I would no longer be on tablets that caused weight gain and I’d be able to exercise because I don’t have pain or fatigue anymore to hold me back.

I’d then complete normal jobs around the house before jumping in my car, cranking up the radio and driving to meet friends for lunch…somewhere busy and social and with a beer garden so we can sit in the sun (Yes, I’m imagining Summer!) because I’m not longer sensitive to weather and I will tan and not burn!

I would then go to a travel agents and book a looooong, exciting holiday to places I can explore, meet new people and make memories. I won’t be worrying about money or being frivolous because I now cherish life, it’s not a rehearsal so work hard play hard has much more meaning. Following this I pop to the book shop to buy a real book because I can read again and I go home to sit in the sun, with a Kopperburg cider and read my book…it’s bliss.

As I sit in the garden, I don’t feel fatigued, I’m not worried about the brightness or the words blurring on the page. I don’t have to think about pacing or consider the guilt I feel for things I can’t do or contribute to because I am now able to contribute to society again. I can teach but also know that I don’t live to work. My health, family and friends are my priority and I will never again let work rule the roost. I reflect on how lucky I am to be surrounded by the people I have in my life, how they never gave up on me and how I know they never will.

I then go upstairs to have a bath because I recognise the importance of self care and quiet time. But also because I know that tonight I am hosting a party where everyone is coming round to eat, drink, play games and have a good time. Everything is organised and I’m not even thinking about the tidy up because I can manage it! I am grateful to be well, to be able to function as a normal human being and live a normal life doing all the things I love to do and after a brilliant music filled evening of taking silly photographs and laughing so hard your sides hurt, I climb into bed feeling exhausted. But good exhausted. Exhaustion that will be alleviated by the sleep I’m going to get.  It won’t take me hours to get to sleep and I won’t wake up a gazillion times because of pain, I will dream and wake up to another day.

One day….

#hairlesshannah

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Autumn leaves are brown

Bald blogger, Hairless Hannah

So I’ve just had a Peter Kay moment…I always thought the first line of ‘California Dreamin’ ‘ by The Mamas and Papas was “Autumn leaves are brown.” Turns out it’s, “All the leaves are brown.” Gutted. It was the perfect title for this blog but as you can see, I still went ahead and used it anyway!

You will probably notice that from now on my blog might not always relate to my ailments. I will of course use the blog to update as and when I feel I want to write about it but I also need to explore other avenues for my writing. I just hope you continue to read and enjoy the content; nearly a year on and I have had over 10,000 views which is an achievement I am thoroughly proud of so thank you for taking time to read about my life!

Autumn is here…

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My spoonie survival kit!

One of the questions I am often asked is what things help me on a day-to-day basis, things that ease the symptoms of ME. Obviously this will differ from person to person but I thought some might find it interesting or helpful to see what helps me, so here is my ultimate list for my spoonie survival kit!

What I always carry in my bag

I have never been one to pack light, even in my days pre ME! In the sixth form I was awarded the medal for being ‘mummy’ as I could pretty much always provide what anyone needed, from a tissue to a paracetamol, polo to a nail file! You will very rarely see me with a small bag as it just simply wouldn’t cut the mustard (where does that saying come from?!) in order to accommodate my needs!

  1. My polarised sunglasses. These were an expensive purchase when I lived in Dubai but my goodness have they been a life saver since being diagnosed. My light sensitivity is really bad and the difference between wearing normal sunglasses and my polarised ones has been incredible.
  2. Ear plugs. As I’ve mentioned before, noise sensitivity has also remained a real issue for me. As soon as I go somewhere that is more crowded I need these bad boys to keep my head from exploding. At home we can monitor and adjust the noise level but that’s not so easy if I venture out for a meal or to walk around a shop!
  3. Polos and rescue remedy. These two have featured in my bag essentials for a while now. Since suffering with panic attacks, these two things are my go to life lines. Bach’s rescue remedy I find really calming and helpful and as for polos, I’m not overly sure apart from a previous CBT therapist explained it may be because I can focus on a different sense which distracts me from my anxiety – who knows, all I’m bothered about is that they help when my anxiety rises!
  4. My little medication purse. One of my anxieties is that I could be somewhere and not have the thing I need to make me feel better so I have a medication bag! The essentials are: travel sickness pills, Imodium, paracetamol, Paramol, anti-histamine, inhaler, antiseptic hand gel, hand cream and throat sweets.
  5. Bottle of water. One of the side effects of some of the drugs I’m on is a very dry mouth but also, water is always good incase I need to take tablets or have a hot flush!
  6. Eye drops. Since losing my eyelashes I’ve noticed that my eyes are more susceptible to getting dry, itchy and getting dust etc in them. Eye drops are just a useful things to have at hand for those irritating moments.

 

At home survival essentials

  1. Electric blanket. Honestly, this bad boy is slowly becoming my new best friend! I haven’t had it on during the Summer but popped it back on my bed about three weeks ago and oh my, I had forgotten the benefits it provides. The difference in my restless and painful legs is definitely aided by this hot piece of material and I have found that the sleep I do manage to get seems to be of a better quality.
  2. My pregnancy pillow! Again, it provides me and my painful limbs with the much-needed support they crave. I am so much more comfortable lying down with this wrapped around me – who needs a man eh?!
  3. My diary. I’ve kept a diary every day since I was 11 but it really has been an essential for me as it’s a way of venting every day and getting my emotions out. I still find talking tough so this is my way of getting my thoughts and feelings out of my system before I go to sleep. Again, this helps me to go to bed with all those heavy thoughts weighing me down.
  4. Bath range! I love me a bath! Any Lush bath bomb will suffice but I absolutely adore the Marks and Spencers Sleep range. A friend got me them for my birthday – all lavender based, not overpowering, just right. A shower gel, foot cream, hand cream, body lotion and pillow spray, all amazing products although I am also partial to the Lush cream called Sleepy. There’s been a lot of press around lately about how it’s a miracle cure for insomnia…it hasn’t done that for me at all but I do love the smell and it definitely is a calming scent.
  5. Dimmer lights and subtitles! Yep, I am a granny…these link to light and noise sensitivity but there are always options to make life bearable.

 

So there you have it, my list of goodies that I use everyday to help me – if you have any to add to it, please comment and let me know.

Hope you’re having a lovely week,

#hairlesshannah

Alopecia Awareness Month is here again

September is here again which means it’s alopecia awareness month!

This year feels very different to last. I did a lot to raise awareness last year: fun hat Friday events both here and in Dubai, I spoke at my old secondary school and posted every day on social media…but this year, for one reason or another I haven’t prepared or sorted anything.

Last year I found it almost easy to raise awareness, I didn’t mind sharing my story or taking bald selfies but this year I feel differently. Now, don’t get me wrong, I will always want to raise awareness for alopecia but my own self confidence has plummeted over recent weeks resulting in me feeling less comfortable in my bald skin than I have before.

Even the slightest glimpse of myself that I might catch in the mirror or reflection in a window makes me well up. I’m avoiding mirrors again and feel very un-accepting and feel resentful of everything my mind and body is. As always my smile masks a million thoughts, feelings and daily battles – to do with alopecia and much more and it does make me sad that I feel this way about myself because once you lose that sense of self-worth it makes everything else very difficult. However, I hadn’t really thought much about it until I was going through one of my ‘unhelpful thought pattern’ diaries with my CBT therapist where I broached this topic. They are normal, daily thoughts I have about myself but I was brave and decided to share that with her and her response was shocking to me. She got quite teary at the language I used to describe myself and crossed out some of my ‘evidence’ to support my thoughts! This is what brought everything crashing down to Earth for me, seeing someone else’s response to my ingrained self worth.

Now I’m not writing this blog for sympathy or to get nice comments – far from it. I almost didn’t post it because it because it’s so personal but I do feel that it’s an important blog to put out there because alopecia and ME/CFS doesn’t follow a linear pattern (I’m desperately avoiding the word ‘journey’ or ‘roller coaster’ here!). People say time is a healer and generally I do believe this but at the moment, a year down the line, in this circumstance it’s not true.

I am obviously writing this from my experience but my feeling about alopecia robbing me of my femininity is stronger than ever. I have always been my own worst critic but I always said my best features were my hair and eyes – and alopecia has taken that from me, to the point that if asked, I genuinely wouldn’t be able to tell you one physical part of me that I like. I wasn’t going to write about this but hey, I’ve been open in most other aspects of my life so here goes!

Weight has always been an issue for me, I am your stereotypical yoyoer. I first joined Weight Watchers when I was 16 so in reality my weight issues have been going on for over half of my life. Just before I became ill though I had had strong words with myself, took advantage of the pool on my roof, invested in a cross trainer and signed up to The Body Coach scheme. I lost just over a stone and was feeling great, I had a grip on myself and for the first time in years, felt great. But as it seems to go with me, this is when ME took a hold as did the various concoctions of drugs, many of them having the side effect of weight gain which to be perfectly honest was/is a right shitter because if you’re asleep or immobile most of the time and minimal exercise causes excruciating pain, the only result is going to be the enormous growth of Hannah Green! I know it’s happened, I can feel it, and when I dare to, I can see it. So the combination of this plus being bald, still not being able to wear make up or hats or wigs – you can see maybe why I feel so yuck – and that’s putting it lightly.

There are so many people who I’ve connected with who have ME that are experiencing the same as me in terms of drugs and weight gain and feel the cruelty as deeply as I do. It’s just an added thing to make you feel rubbish but also, as we know, weight gain will impact your joints and muscles meaning increased pain and decreased progress, it’s such a vicious cycle. I feel less and less inclined to go out, see people, do anything. I’m not giving into this by any means but I am definitely having more days where I could easily stay in bed – partly because I’m low and mainly because I am just flat-out exhausted. However, this is going to be the next area to tackle in CBT so hopefully I’ll see changes or learn coping mechanisms soon.

Haha I’ve just had a little read back – what a cheery blog this is! Seriously, I do manage to yank myself out of bed every day, put the smile on (most of the time) and get on with it because there isn’t really any other option in my eyes.

So, bringing this full circle, this year I feel less confident in my alopecia skin, I would feel a fraud using hashtags like #baldisbeautiful because for me, right now, it’s not true. Of course I will still be doing little bits and bobs to raise awareness however, in a few months I will be able to share something very exciting with you that I’ve been working on and that will be my contribution to this years alopecia awareness.

So, my little reminder to myself and to other people is to remember that everyone is fighting a battle that may not be visible so don’t pass judgement. Just be kind.

Happy alopecia awareness month.

#hairlesshannah

A day in the life of an alopecian

 

My morning routine is so much simpler – no washing, drying, styling my hair, just a little buzz with the razor to ensure the bits that still grow keep in time with the bits that don’t. I’ve got used to shaving my head now but I still dislike doing it. Every day I hope to see that the hair on the top has started growing so I don’t have to shave the rest…one day it’ll happen, everything in it’s own time I remind myself.

I make myself look in the mirror, just for a few seconds to remind myself that this is who I am and that’s okay. It’s funny, I think people around me are more accepting of my baldness than I am. That’s how they see me now and that’s how they love me, I just wish I could do the same for myself.

I’m going through a phase at the moment where I am desperately missing my eyelashes. Partly because the pollen count has been high and my eyes, with no barriers, have suffered a lot this year. But mainly because I miss putting on mascara! I loved wearing mascara – as well as eyebrows framing our faces, there’s something about long lashes that make eyes prettier. I think one day I will have to spend some proper time trying to conquer falsies but for now, the naked is eye is what it is!

Today I am venturing out, some days I constantly think people are staring, some days I couldn’t care less but mostly I feel a constant shadow of self-consciousness. I am very aware that I am more than likely the only bald woman in the vicinity and I stick out like a sore thumb. Some people offer sympathetic smiles, some avoid eye contact and others can’t help but stare gormlessly. It’s been a while since comments have been passed but today I’ve had two encounters.

  1. In the doctor’s surgery the receptionist assumes I have cancer and asks how my treatment is going. Now, normally in this situation I’m happy to explain I don’t have cancer, I have alopecia but today, in this situation, in this environment, I feel guilty and uncomfortable and I simply reply with, “it’s fine thanks.” WHY?! I then feel even worse because I’ve basically let that woman think I am having treatment and the people in the line behind me now think the same and I’m faced with four other sympathetic smiles and oh dear god, please let the ground open up. Sometimes I just don’t have the strength to explain. I know that’s no excuse but that’s how it is. I want the moment to pass as quickly as possible with as few words as possible.
  2. I hear a shout…”hahahaha that lady hasn’t got any hair!!” A nine-year old girl sitting in a restaurant with her family decides she can vocalise her amusement at my appearance. Again, normally with children I let if go over my head because, they are children. But today it hits me like a ten ton truck. I stop and stare at her with my best teacher stare which makes her look down and cower in her seat. Her mum looks and me and looks away instantly – with embarrassment? – and her dad pulls her down in her chair and mutters something out of my ear shot. I stood there for several seconds and then walked on, tears in my eyes as though someone has just punched me in the gut. As I walk away I regret instantly that I didn’t approach that child and her family to educate them. Ask the parents to explain to their children, who are old enough to know better, why some people a) don’t have hair, b) look different and c) why we shouldn’t publicly humiliate those people because of their differences. And tell that girl, her words have hurt me, a stranger who she won’t think about ever again but that I will continue to think about her for days to come because her words and laughter struck a chord deep down that hurts like hell. That she needs to think before she speaks and be kinder to people.

Like I say, thankfully these interactions don’t happen very often – thank goodness. It still stuns me how hair can have such an impact on me, my self esteem, confidence…everything. I am not okay with being bald, I am not okay with it at all. Every single day I long for my hair and it scares me to allow the thought that it may never come back. I am good at dusting myself down and moving on because there is so much else going on in the world, my hair is not a biggy.

I walked past LUSH as well today – they had a new product in the window, a cubed product on a lolly stick…of course I went to take a closer look. Hair oil on a stick – wow! I loved a good hair oil treatment but wait, I don’t have hair so I can’t use that. Damn. Luckily I can use a bath bomb – every cloud eh?! There was an article on FaceBook today about a guy who had a hair piece attached and he was SO excited to have hair again after being bald. He spent £90 in the supermarket on products and he couldn’t have cared less! He was saying loudly down the ailes, “look I’m buying shampoo, SHAMPOO, for my new HAIR!” What a legend – it made me smile from ear to ear.

These are the things that catch me unaware and it’s funny because conversations that people apologise for like complaining about a bad hair day or grey hairs etc, they don’t touch me. They don’t bother me at all. Maybe it’s because these conversations happen with friends and they are natural, normal conversations for girls to have together and I’m just happy to be involved in them. I find that I can make jokes about my baldness in these stations…I don’t have the issue of grey hairs etc!  What I do miss is the getting ready to go somewhere and brushing my hair or playing with a strand whilst watching TV…like I say, the little things.

Today the weather is cooler and I miss being able to wear a hat or having my hair clipped back but I have to admit, over the last month I experienced for the first time a sense of not missing my hair. Albeit fleetingly, but in the heat we’ve had and with no air con, the thought of drying and styling my hair – no thanks! But as Dad said, I think I’d quickly get over that if I meant I had my hair back!

As I get ready for bed and moisturise my face I think of silly memes that go around about how far up do bald people moisturise because, where does your forehead end?! Bloody stupid meme if you ask me! I run my hand over my head sometimes, almost as if I am apologising to it for hating it so much and reminding myself that my bald head is a part of me that I care about and maybe, just maybe if I try to accept it and love it more, it will reward me with some regrowth. Maybe. Hopefully.

And then I get into bed, thankful that the stress and dread of hair on the pillow in the mornings is gone but still after all this time, finding the feel of a pillow on my head is still strange and prickly. As I turn over onto my side I will occasionally flick my head like I used to, to ensure my hair is out of my face….phantom hair – who knew that was even a thing?! And then I dream, and coming to think of it now as I write this, I have never been bald in my dreams. I always have hair…a dream is a wish your heart makes.

Happy Sunday all,

#hairlesshannah

 

 

Tasty Tuesday: Prawn & Chorizo Spaghetti

This month Family Green have totally fallen in love with a new dish that initially we found through using a company called ‘Hello Fresh.’ Since we tried it, it has been a weekly addition to our menu! It’s a prawn and chorizo spaghetti dish that is so simple to make but the taste is out of this world! Here is a quick run down of the recipe – honestly, you need this in your life!

For 4 people:

prawns-3

4 garlic cloves
350g king prawns
4 large vine tomatoes
360g spaghetti
1/2 tsp chilli powder
parsley – optional
pack of chopped chorizo
500g passata
1. Peel and chop the garlic, finely chop the parsley and chop the prawns into chunks. Cube the tomatoes and boil a large pan of water for the spaghetti.
2. Cook the spaghetti for 11 minutes.
3. Whilst cooking the spaghetti is cooking heat 2tbsp of olive oil (we use a few sprays of 1cal spray instead) in a separate pan and add the garlic and chilli for 30 seconds before throwing in the chorizo to cook for 2 minutes, keep stirring.

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4. Then add in the prawns and mix for a further 2 minutes.

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5. Next add in the tomato passata and let it bubble for 5-8 minutes before popping in the chopped tomatoes for a further 5 minutes.

6. Season with salt and pepper.
7.Drain the spaghetti and sprinkle in the parsley and stir.

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8. Drop the spaghetti into the tomato mix, stir and serve up – perfect!

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A totally delicious meal for four, honestly, the best thing we’ve made in ages and I think you’ll love it too!

Happy Tuesday!

#hairlesshannah