It’s been a while since I sat at my laptop and wrote a blog post. It’s been such a tumultuous time, so much going on in the world, so many changes and because of that I haven’t felt like publishing a blog post. However, I had a lovely chat with a friend as she picked up a cake order a few months ago. She asked why I hadn’t published any blogs recently as she’d missed my reading them and when I said I had been nervous to as I hadn’t written for so long, she said, you really should write again, it’s always eye opening, interesting and educational. So, I thought, maybe I should.
As we do do throughout our lives, we live and learn. There are things that I am always a bit scared to write on here for fear of upsetting people or saying it in the wrong way. But then I remind myself that this is my safe space, it’s my truth and it’s always been about getting it out there to educate people on life with an invisible illness.
In October I will have been home and ill for 7 years and let me tell you, it truly feels like it’s been that long. And in all honesty, for some people around me, I think it feels that long to them too and not always in a good way. I have definitely felt the pain from some being ‘over it.’ At times, I feel like I am becoming more and more invisible in my own life, absent from it in so many ways. And then it dawned on me that by not writing my blog posts anymore, that’s another area of my life that I’m absent from. In a way, I’ve stopped advocating for myself and the M.E community that I hold so dear.
Therefore, it felt fitting to publish this post today, on May 12th, which is the Millions Missing and International M.E Awareness Day.
I am having to remind myself on a daily basis that I do live in my own bubble. A bubble that allows me time to think over the smallest of things and dwell on them. I can’t have the release of getting up and on with my life in the way others can to distract from things that happen. So, things that upset and hurt me, probably sting for longer because to me, they are much bigger. Losses feel bigger, hurt feels harder, sadness feels all consuming and moving on take longer.
Los is the big one at the moment. No-one likes to lose anything in life. Loss hurts. It cuts deep. This illness has taken so much from me and each time it takes something, I have to deal with that and reconcile it. Lockdown caused everyone to lose their freedom in many ways and that was so tough and yet it was nice because people gained an understanding in some ways of life with a chronic illness. However, here we are, lockdowns down and freedom day passed and I am still in my own form of a lockdown, like so many others. Limited by my facial pain and fatigue, having to consider every little thing as to if I’m able to go somewhere and do something. That in itself is exhausting.
I feel in a very precarious situation where I don’t want to lose any more from my life. It’s like I can’t afford to because I’m not in a position to go out and replace it. However, I am growing in strength. If something doesn’t add value to your life, makes you feel worthless, causes undue stress hurt and upset and makes you feel disposable, that is not something that needs to be kept or treasured. But that doesn’t mean it makes it easy. What is does mean is that it feels like my little bubble and world gets smaller. I’ve always been someone who lives in a world that feels big and open so getting used to ‘smaller’ takes some time.
The frustrations that comes with living with a chronic illness are also heightened. I can be in a room full of people and feel invisible, like I add nothing, like I want to scream. People who live with chronic illnesses may spend the majority of their time at home, resting, sleeping, pacing – but we do have lives. Lives that contribute to others and to the world. We listen, we read, we watch, we hobby – we can talk about more than our illness, so ask us. Don’t forget us. Show an interest, ask questions, you might be surprised by what we can and do, do.
I am in awe of the things that my online friends with M.E achieve. None more so than Anna, the Blue Sunday QUEEN! Once again, Anna trusted me to help her with the fundraising packs for the 2022 event and we went big! We made limited edition napkins alongside the 60 fundraising packs and everything sold out within 24 hours of their release back in March. It may not seem a lot to some, but to us it’s huge. We spend so much time planning, making and worrying about if they’ll sell, if people will be interested and for the second year in a row we had a cry at how much love and support we recieved.
This tea party means so much to me, it’s a day where the M.E community comes together to raise awareness and money for M.E. Seeing friends and family host tea parties, have fun but more importantly, show their love, support and understanding, it’s beyond words what that means.
Sunday is just around the corner but there’s plenty of time to dust off a tea set, bake a cake and brew some tea…and more importantly, donate some money for such a worthy cause. I have attached the link for the fundraising page for Action For M.E, the charity we support as a family. So if you can spare the cost of what you’d pay in a shop for a cuppa and a slice of cake, I’d be so very grateful.
Hopefully I won’t leave it so long until I write again – until then, bring on Blue Sunday!